


"Mr. Boggins"

by Thorinsmut



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Funny, Gen, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 05:25:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/647034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorinsmut/pseuds/Thorinsmut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How exactly did Kili mess up Bilbo’s name so bad? This is my headcannon. It involves everyone’s favorite young Dwarf brothers being brother-y and silly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Mr. Boggins"

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at http://thorinsmut.tumblr.com/post/39166537289/mr-boggins
> 
> Literary criticisms are appreciated

“Mr. Baggins… Mr. Bilbo… Mr. Bilbo Baggins…” Kili tried, wrinkling his nose. “It’s such an awkward name… what kind of name is that? Baggins. Baaaagins”

“You sound like a goat.” Fili reached over and shoved his dark haired younger brother, trying to get him to stop. The pair were riding through quiet farmland, bright green rolling hills… calm, idyllic, safe, and utterly boring.

Kili sighed, “So… what do you think this Mr. Baggins will be like?” He asked, before laughing slightly, “heh, Baggins… Baggins in the Bag… Bilbo in a Bag!”

“Gandalf said he might be grumpy and try to send us away…” Fili tried to get his brother onto a different thought track, “But that he’s got some mischief in him, down deep.”

“You really think he’ll try to send us away? _Us_?” Kili framed his face with his hands, making his very best innocent expression.

“ _I’m_ about to send you away,” Fili warned. “You can’t be silly… we’re going to be one of the first ones there, if the the first ones there, and we need to make a good impression on Mr. Baggins… Gandalf says it’s very important that he join us.”

“heh… Baggins.” Kili was back to his original thought, “Baaagiiiinssss… Baaa… giii..”

“Kili! I swear, if you say Baggins one more time…” Fili warned.

“What?” Kili challenged, laughing at his blond elder brother. “What will you do?”

Fili glared at his brother. “I’ll cut your hair," he said, very quietly.

Kili clasped his hands to the back of his head, covering his dark locks. “You wouldn’t…. You won’t!

“Try me.” The blond brother wasn’t backing down. “Remember what happened last time"

“Come on, we were still in our thirties… you really wouldn’t…” Kili’s eyes pleaded, but Fili remained firm, looking forward.

“Just don’t try me.” He warned, “Thorin is finally letting us into his Company, I don’t want your sillyness to convince him we’re still to young.”

Kili sighed, slumping slightly on his pony, and for a while they rode in silence. Fili, bored, sharpened a few of his knives as they rode. Dusk began to fall, a soft pink sunset over green hills.

“Baggins!” Kili’s sudden pronouncement made Fili jump, he glared at his brother, who grinned back cheekily. Fili shook a freshly sharpened knife at his brother, but Kili just laughed, holding out a lock of hair as though offering it.

“Yes, cut my hair! That’ll convince Thorin we’re old enough to come with his Company!” Kili’s dark eyes glittered, taunting his brother, and Fili finally sighed, putting his knife away. Kili crowed in triumph.

“Just… please, Kili?” Fili asked, quietly, rubbing his forehead resignedly.

“I will not say the name again.” Kili promised, hand on his breast as he made a bow to his brother… but there was still laughter in his eyes… and sure enough, it wasn’t very long until Kili was laughing again. “Fili… Fili…” He laughed, waving to get his brother’s attention. “Bilbo lost his bags! Bilbo Bag-gons!”

Against his will, Fili snorted a laugh at that, and it was a lost fight from there. Kili took it as a challenge to think of as many silly almost-Baggins names to say as full darkness eventually fell.

“Mr. Biggins, the biggest in the land!”

“No, that’s Bombur,” Fili corrected.

“Mr. Boggins, swimming in the bog!” Kili made swimming motions, laughing. “Bilbo Boggins of the Bog.”

“He lives on the top of a hill.” Fili tried, “In a house called Bag-End.”

Kili laughed. “Bag..” But then remembered he was not going to say the name and stopped himself. “But really… can you picture a swamp-hobbit? Mr. Boggins of the Bog, with a little raft, and a leaf on his head for a hat…”

“What would he live in?” Fili asked, curious, “He couldn’t really live in a hole in a bog.”

“Sure he could!” Kili assured him, “Mr. Boggins of Bog-End can breathe underwater, like a fish.”

“Is he scaly like a fish?” Fili asked, and Kili pondered for a while before declaring that he was.

They continued on this vein for a while, fleshing out their ideas for the looks and habits of ‘Mr. Boggins’ until they arrived at the place at the bottom of the hill where Gandalf had told them to leave their ponies. They dismounted, tying their ponies up beside Balin and Dwalin’s ponies.

Now that they were so close to their goal, some of their high-spirits evaporated.

“Gandalf said not to let him send us away,” Fili reminded, as the brothers faced one another, making sure the other’s clothes and hair looked good. Kili rebraided Fili’s mustache and made sure his silver beads were symmetrical, while Fili straightened Kili’s coat and made sure there was no dirt on it.

“Dwalin has probably frightened him,” Kili commented as they began to walk up the hill, past various little round doors, looking for the one with Gandalf’s mark. “We should try to make a good impression. Not all dwarves are so gruff. Bilbo won’t want to come with us if he thinks we’re no fun!”

They found the door with the mark, at the top of the hill, as Gandalf had said it would be. They took deep breaths, quickly miming together their greeting so they knew they had the timing down, then settled friendly smiles on their faces and pulled the bell.

They could hear what sounded like an angry voice approaching, and then the door opened to a very grumpy little man who stared at them with disbelief as they introduced themselves.

“Fili”

“And Kili”

“At your service!” Their bows were perfectly synchronized, and they straightened. The Hobbit did not seem impressed.

Eager to make a friendly impression, Kili stepped forward, “You must be Mr. Boggins!”

It wasn’t until half a beat later that he realized what he’d done.

 

Fili grabbed Kili by the ear as soon as Bilbo was out of sight, going to get the door with what was probably the rest of the company, and none too happy about it, it sounded.

“What was that?” he hissed. “I know you promised not to say his name again, but really?”

“It was an accident, I swear!”


End file.
